Please disregard everything I said in my previous post I was being silly with my husband last night!

My heart is so heavy this morning for all of those who are longing for kids in their lives right now. I can think of couple after couple after couple who are waiting for the beautiful blessing of the kids God has for them in their lives. It seems like this stage of life for me and for so many of my friends is summed up by a longing for children. Its like we are all sitting in the waiting room of a doctors office waiting for someone to come to the door and call our name telling us that its time! Please know that I am praying for some many of you this morning.

My David Bible study is proving to be exactly what I need for this time of my life. God is leading me to some great thoughts that have made my heart melt in His presence.

*What are some things you KNOW to be true about God?

*How could these bold, unchangeable declarations speak hope and encouragement into your life today? What current situations would look different through this kind of lens?

“In confusing times, recounting what we do know refreshes us.”

Well I wanted to let you all know of a little frustration I have with my husband as of late. I told him today that I POUR out my heart on my blog and not many people comment and Steven writes about his disgusting beard and gets 13 comments about it!!! So I have decided to give you a daily account of the growth of my leg hair. I will stop shaving my legs and let you all know what the progress is daily and we will see if I receive more comments on my blog. I might even include some pictures too!

Tonight- prickaly

pictures tomorrow!!

In my David Bible Study this morning Beth Moore asked this question:

“Do times of change often result in civil war situations in your life? Or do they usually end up happening fairly smoothly and naturally, without a lot of upset and uproar? And do you find as you get older that this scenario has changed much?”

I feel the civil war situations in my heart daily the closer we get to loading the U-Haul. This is not easy. It seems like we have to make a BIG decision on so many things. This has been the biggest learning lesson for me. I now know that when God calls us to move I better be ready for stress and some heartache. It is not like God is looking down on me saying, “Maris I am so proud of you for following what I asked you to do: because you were obediant I am going to make everything very easy for you!”

My mind just goes to Licia and Lori over in Haiti. I am sure that the thought might have crossed their minds- man this is to hard. How do we keep doing this? Where is this money going to come from each month? Its so hard to see children dying. It hurts. Its hard. They are heros to me and I cannot wait to meet them in September. I know that they do not view themselves as hero’s but just people doing what God has called them to do. I would assume that there is joy in what they do and they love it. They could probably live a pretty comfortable life in America but they choose to chase after the heart of God.

I am learning a lot about prayer. There are so many details that we are having to give over to God and ask for clarity on. For a long time- a little honesty here- I didn’t pray because I just didn’t see the need. I know that God knows every detail and how it is going to work so I just decided that I will find out details as I walk. No need for prayer- God knows what I would say anyway. As if prayer exists only for what I can get out of it- SELFISH! I am now learning that prayer keeps me trusting. Prayer keeps me surrendered. Prayer keeps me close to God. What would I do without it???

So with 9 days until we head out of Tennessee I am getting so excited. God continues to work out details (in the very last min it seems like!!) We have to make a big decision about our car in the next couple of days which seems to be a civil war inside our marriage!! haha We will get there we just need to decide what to do with it. Thanks for reading!

I had an interesting thought today while getting ready. I started thinking that if I were to die today: have I said enough in the past to my husband, for him to be confident of how I feel about him? I know this could be applied in so many different situations but I want us wives to really focus on our husbands.

*Have I told him enough about what a man I think he is?

*Have I told him enough about how wise I think he is?

*Have I told him enough about what a seeker of God he is?

*Have I told him enough about how incredible of a husband he is?

*Have I held him enough?

*Have I listened to his hopes and dreams enough?

*Have I encouraged him enough?

*Have I told him how loved I feel by him?

*Have I told him what an amazing father I know he is going to be?

If I were to die today and he were to continue on in this life would he be encouraged in the low times by the words that I have expressed to him in the past? Would he be confident in the man that he is? I know that God sustains us throughout the hard times but I want to be a women who builds my husband’s confidence in this world.

I will not put you through how much I would want to write and esteem my husband on this blog (I know you are thanking me right now) but I will be telling him my love for him. Wives are we building up our men? Try it today and see what happens!!

Warning: Very nostalgic about my life right now if you don’t want to hear about it don’t read!!

As most of you know by now we are moving to Austin, Texas. I am more than excited about this move! I can’t wait to get there and to be at an incredible church and be in an awesome town. We have always said that IF we ever decided to live in Texas it would have to be Austin. I am so so excited for my husband and what the winds of change are bringing to his life. I am so excited to see life in his face and excitement in his eyes. His joy is worth it all right now. I am excited for what Austin will bring to both of our lives. I know God has great great plans for us there and my heart is racing on how we can get there faster!!

I would be lying if I said I am not a little torn right now though. I love Tennessee! I love the weather, I love the beautiful fall colors, I LOVE downtown Nashville, I love the community of friends that I have here and I adore my parents. The closer that this move gets the harder it is getting. I know that I am about to uproot my whole life and move it 14 hours away to a state that I have never lived in. I am moving to a state where everybody very annoyingly seems to think it is perfect. Texas will be great but I don’t think I will ever think its the greatest! I am more than ready to get there. I am 50% ecstatic and 50% bummed. Those are some pretty conflicting emotions!!

I have been out of my house for 10 days now and to come home has been wonderful. This is one of my last Sundays in this house. I have all the blinds open, laundry running constantly, my house is spotless and I am taking in every last few moments that I have here. This is our first house that we have owned together. We have put many hours of work into this house and we have never stopped loving it. If we were staying here I really think we would make it work for a very long time. This house is so small but I think it has taught us so much about simplifying our lives and making the best of what you have. We will always love this house.

I am really having to trust God’s timing in our lives right now. It is harder than anything I have ever had to do. My mind is CONSTANTLY racing through life and what it will look like. My mind is full and my heart is heavy. We have had 1 person look at our house in over 30 days and we are having to drop the price. I am more than worried but having to make myself trust that God is in control. We have to move regardless of whether it sells or not in August. I HATE having to live with people and feeling like we are putting people out. I really pride myself on not being a burden to others. I am just really trying to trust that God knows what is going on. I am also so torn on our baby. I think about this baby every moment I am awake. There is so much going on. I have no idea how this will all work out. I want to get chosen so badly and have a baby soon. My moments with God have been so sweet. I have had Hillsong United playing all morning over and over and over and over and over. I need this repetition playing in my head right now. It helps me so much to sort through anxiety and see the big picture and what my life is meant for. Adoption is sooo unbelievably hard. I would take labor for 12 hours over a year of anticipating this child and it is not getting any easier! I know all of this will be worth it in the end. Sorry for all the venting- it just all really needed to come out before I explode in a mess of tears all over my husband.

Please pray for our house to sell.

Please pray that we get chosen and for our mom who is making even harder decisions than what I am dealing with right now. Her pains are so much greater than mine and that is breaking my heart right now. I pray for her so much and my heart is so heavy for her.

Thank you for listening to me vent.

Ohh the sights and smells of the glorious club! It has been almost a year since I left the club and today it was bittersweet going back. I love kids so much! Those kids drive me crazy! It was a fun day though. Here are a couple conversations:

convo 1

kid: Why did you dye your hair Mrs. Maris?

me: Well I just like it this color better- do you not like this color on me?

kid: yeh i like it- I just wondered.

Question 2: Did you get taller Mrs Maris?

Question 3: kid: Why did you leave us Mrs. Maris? (while her and another girl are putting braids in my hair- steven won’t play with my hair- these girls love it!!)

me: well i went to work at an office but now i am moving to texas and just came back a week or so to get extra money.

kid 1: but why are you moving to texas?

me: (taking the easier route) my husband is going to work at a church in texas and we have always wanted to live there.

kid 1: THEY HAVE FIRE ANTS THERE YOU COULD DIE!!

me: laughing, you can die from fire ants?

kid 2: its really hot there, they don’t have water! did you know that if you want a pool you have to buy it there??

me: they don’t have water there??

kid 1: they have tornadoes there. You could live in tornado “valley!”

me: i am pretty sure that there are fire ants, water, pools, and tornadoes in both places.

kids: “OH” back to putting braids all over my hair!

This should be a great week- I love talking to kids one on one! Having 24 7 & 8 year old girls on my own at one time didn’t prove to be some fun moments for me today! Good thing it was only for an hour!

I am sure there will be more stories to come!

Does anybody out there struggle with the whole birth control situation like I apparently do?

*Pills make me CRAZY, sick at my stomach, gain weight and I forget to take them.

*The patch I don’t trust. I have heard one to many stories.

*I had in the Implanon device which goes in your arm and lasts for 3 years- it was not working with my body. I will spare the details but I was really hoping it would work. I also gained a bunch of weight.

*I can’t have the IUD (mirena) because I haven’t had a baby yet. I honestly don’t know if i want to have it.

*There are other options but they pretty much require me to pay $30-50 a month and when I am heading straight into formula and diapers. I am not feeling that.

* and that leaves our final option- the good ole sock! I hate the C because I don’t feel like its fair to my husband but these days it seems like our only option. I do like them in the aspect that it is not running all these chemicals/hormones through my body. However- I just had my Implannon out last month and I have had cramps from HELL for about 24 hours now. I was up all night last night.

All this to say I am sooooo frustrated with birth control. Does anybody else feel my pain here???

I am home some this week and could use some extra money and wanted to know if anyone needed their house cleaned or their kids sat? I am around, just give me a call! I hope you all are having a great weekend!!

Our lives are pretty crazy right now. July 1st marks the day when our homestudy should be done and our profile should start to be showing. We also have our house on the market as of Monday. There is a great possilbilty that we could be chosen, have a baby with us (as first time parents not having a clue what we are doing) and be homeless all at the same time! I feel like a grownup with grownup issues. I have never in my life felt like I am walking on water, looking Jesus straight in the eyes with my arms out and scared to death that I am about to plummet down to the bottom of the ocean.

I will admit to you that I am scared to death. There are some real moments when I start thinking and can really feel my blood pressure rising. When I think about this precious child that I could be holding in my arms I start thinking is this process going to be painful? Will we have a failed placement before we get to the right child? Will we have a child in our home for a couple of months and will a birthfather come out of the woodworks and will I have to give this child back? Then there is the whole house thing. What if it doesn’t sell? What if we don’t make any money off of it? What if we have to keep paying our house payment and have to live with someone (with a baby) because we can’t afford two housing payments? What if it sells in the middle of the summer and Steven can’t come home to help me pack the house up? There are soooo many questions that spin through my mind. I tend not to do well with stress!! I have to really turn these thoughts off and choose not to listen to the noise inside my head and sit in peace.

God has made it very clear that this is where he wants our steps to be right now. I am beginning to think that He wants our life to be this way right now. I guess you tend to learn more by being squeezed!

*Through this I am learning that God is my peace. He is my comfort, my backbone. God is life giving. God is worthy to trust. I am learning how much I really do love him.

*I am learning that we learn how to trust by jumping. We don’t trust standing on the ground and thinking about jumping. We learn by backing up, running as fast as we can and jumping into life.

*God has really been working on my heart teaching me to trust that He is good no matter what the circumstances. Whether life sucks bad at the moment or if it will suck worse than I could ever imagine in the future He is still good. I might not see it in that moment but He is good. (I have been listening this week!)

So- we are stressed, we are exhausted, we are on the edge of our seats, we are numb, we are ready, we are scared, we are wondering how this will all work out however= we are hopeful and excited about life right now!!