Adoption- we can’t forget

January 28, 2009 at 5:09 pm | Posted in adopting august, adoption | 10 Comments

This morning Steven left for work, August is still asleep and I find that my mind is racing. In the midst of talking so much about domestic adoption I feel like God has led me to this place.

Adoption is circling heavily in my life right now. I feel as if our generation is rising up and really making a difference. There are many couples who are starting the process, waiting or at least inspired enough to really think and pray about the possibility.

Steven and I did not struggle with infertility. We did not go through disappointment after disappointment of longing to be pregnant and it not happening for us. We longed for a child in our family. I waited for about a year and half- each day longing for a child. God made it very clear that our firstborn was not to be biological. I have very close friends that I have walked through infertility with. It is painful and seems very unfair. On many occasions I have cried out to God for them begging him for a child for them. I have seen God cultivate a heart for adoption through infertility for many couples.

Adoption is sooooo veryyyy hard. It is not a “fun” journey of “getting a baby.” I hate that phrase by the way. There are new struggles and waiting that seem to consume your thoughts and take FOREVER. It is painful. It is a journey. In the midst of all of these struggles it is easy to lean towards the mindset of “I just want a baby.” I can imagine that it would be harder/worse if you have struggled through infertility. If you are a believer in God and live your life in such a way that you honor him before yourself I think there is a great opportunity to apply this to adoption. I realize that your heart can already feel exhausted and the last thing you want to do is put someone else before your self in this emotional time

In the midst of your heartache and pain it could be easy to lose the face and name of this mom who is making an incredibly hard decision. As you are waiting or when you are chosen I truly believe that you have a unique opportunity to pray for the BEST situation to happen. I do believe that the best scenario is for her to parent her child. It is her baby. This part of domestic adoption is not the favorite subject to talk about. However it is an integral part. It is her choice. It is her baby. It is a choice that she needs to make and not be talked into. I think its so important to know this ahead of time. It is VERY possible that she could change her mind. She has every right to. It hurts, it is feared but it is part of it.

With every adoption there is a different story. In domestic adoption there is a tendency to always call the girls birthmoms but I am not comfortable doing that because they are not birthmoms until that baby is born, papers are signed and their rights are given over by their own doing. I call them moms- because that is who they are. There are moms who are young, there are moms who are older. There are moms that have taken care of themselves/baby and there are moms who have not. There are moms who this is their first baby to place. There are moms who this is their 5th baby to place. There are moms who have genuine intentions and there are moms who are working the system. Every scenario is different. None of them are better than any other. They are each unique and loved by God. It is what it is. As a believer I think that you can deeply pray for her and love her during your brief interaction. No matter if you think she “deserves” it or not. It is not for you to judge her circumstances or place of life.

For us, we developed a great love for our mom before we were ever chosen. We had decided that if her changing her mind was part of our journey than so be it. We know that God is big and sees the bigger picture. It was not about us. It was not about us “getting a baby”. After months of praying for her and waiting patiently to meet her we were finally chosen. I can not begin to describe my heart towards her the day we were finally able to meet. It was a unique opportunity for us to love on her and be Jesus to her. To want the best for her and support her no matter what that may be- even if that meant pain for us. We never considered August “our” baby. He was her baby. She shocked us by asking us to consider him our baby. I would have NEVER done this before. She wanted us to love him and be his parents. I was honored that she chose us for this. She loved him. We had him for 3 weeks before we knew that he was “our” baby. We loved him and treated him as our own but knew that he was still hers. He will always be hers. Now we just share him. 🙂

I guess the point of this whole post is to remember the moms. Don’t forget their stories. Love on them, honor them with your words and your heart. Try and get to a place where you love them and serve them even if it brings you pain. This is the gospel lived out. It may be part of your journey that your mom changes her mind. God has the child for you and your family. As we look at Job’s life we know that that journey could lead us through a great amount of pain before we get to a place where we understand (if we ever do). God loves us and loves these moms.

I pray that a love for adoption will keep growing in our generation. There are sooooooooooo many kids that need families. There is a need for international and domestic. I pray that every family would consider adoption as part of their own journey. It is a clear picture of God adopting us into his family and loving us as his own. Everyone can play a role in adoption. Whether that be financially, adding a child to your family, supporting single moms, praying for waiting families and praying for families struggling with infertility. I can honestly say that every moment of heartache was worth it. I love August more than I ever thought was possible.

Our little man!

January 26, 2009 at 6:28 am | Posted in Uncategorized | 8 Comments

August is such an incredible joy in our lives! I have always enjoyed staying home with him but the last few days have been sooo fun. He has figured out how to laugh. He snuggles like crazy! He smiles at me all day. Not just the- “hey your cool and I will give you smile.” I will catch him staring at me, smiling with the “You are my favorite person in the world” look on his face. He seriously melts my heart all day long. He is getting so big. He “talks” well babbles so much. He really wants to talk! Being a parent is more than I dreamed it would be. I am not trying to make things pretty on the outside when I say that either. He really has been an amazing joy that is unexplainable. I am daily amazed to see how my love grows for him. It reminds me so much of my love for Steven. When I think I couldn’t love him anymore, a new day starts and that love continues to grow. He has become so alert and seeks out attention. I just love him so much. Here are a few pics- he is almost 4 months old!!!

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Lessons from the DMV

January 23, 2009 at 5:42 am | Posted in Uncategorized | 6 Comments

We all know that the DMV is known as purgatory here on earth. Today was my day! I finally took a step toward becoming a Texan. I had the emissions test and drove myself and the cutest kid in the world on over to the DMV. I was a little reluctant because quite honestly I didn’t want to get rid of my pretty Tennessee plates for the ugly/boring Texas plates. I still don’t want to give up my drivers license either. However, I have no choice! Large ticket or ugly plates!

I knew going into it that the workers there were probably not going to be in the greatest mood. So I geared myself up to smile and love all over these great people that have a really sucky job. I was quite impressed with the Austin DMV office. It was nice. It actually had some color on the walls and carpet on the floors. The lady at the front counter was nice and I took my number and sat and waited to be called next. I was excited because I had gone in the right order to switch over my tags and thought that I had everything I needed with me. My number was called and I sat down with a huge smile on my face (remember I was going to be nice and love on this lady since she has a sucky job!). I spread out my papers and got ready to get my new ugly Texas plates!

This nice (:() woman then proceeded to tell me that I didn’t have all the information I needed. I did not know that I needed the bank that we financed the car through and the address. In that moment my “love” theory went out the window. She pushed MY button. Do you have a button? Do you know what yours is? I know exactly what mine is. She started to talk down to me. She started talking to me like I was an idiot. She asked me questions and made snide faces because I needed to call my husband to find out what bank we financed through. She couldn’t believe that I didn’t know what bank it was. I proceeded to assure her that yes indeed I know what bank we bank at but I do know that it is not the same bank that we financed the car through. I began seeing myself fighting to show her that yes I do have a brain and that I was smarter than what she was giving me credit for! She tapped her fingers on the desk and blew out her breath because I was not going fast enough. She made me feel like an idiot. I can handle a lot of things in this world that people throw at me but to be quite honest and open here one of my biggest insecurites/frustrations is being treated like I am an idiot. I struggled in school to keep up, I had to work twice as hard as everybody else did and always made lower grades. I was always so insecure about school and anything else that had to do with my intellect. I still fight those demons of insecurity so I really don’t do well when other people hit those nerves.

I finally got Steven and got the address and bank name that I needed after several more comments from her. The entire time I felt God reminding me to love. I fought back those reminders and reminded him about how much she had hurt my feelings and look at how rude she was being. I couldn’t even look at her anymore. I was so angry. I asked where I needed to go to get my license changed over and she handed me a piece of paper and told me that I would probably need to call ahead of time to see what I needed to bring with me. How nice of her. I again was so angry. I had forgotten one simple thing! I had everything else I needed. I didn’t even know that I needed the bank information for my car tags. I walked out of the building angry and knowing that I had failed at loving her.

I called Steven and cried and got my anger out. I sat in silence as I drove to meet him to have coffee. God reminded me again that I needed to love her. I began to plead my case to him. I think that sometimes I want to love for the response of what that love brings. I want to love to surprise people after they have encountered mean people all day. I want to love because it is overflowing from my heart but its extra great when they love back. Its easy to love when people love back. It is not easy to love when people push THAT button. I began to question how deep my love really is. I am able to love because I have been loved deeply by a great God who daily reminds me of the sacrifice he made for me. I have experienced no other love as great as his. I want to show others grace and that depth of love. But how far does that really go? What if? But they….!!! I am so pissed that she…..!!! I was reminded today that it is not the response that I love for. It is not because it is easy or convenient. I didn’t feel like she was worthy of my time or love. Who am I to judge who I can love and not love? Am I worthy of God’s time and love? Am I worthy of his son dying a horrible death to cover the sins that I have committed against a great God? It is because I have been shown love and grace even when I acted out and didn’t deserve it that I am to love. Its hard. I wish I had another chance. So today I am thankful for the lesson learned at the great DMV.

Meet the Hewitt’s

January 15, 2009 at 6:40 am | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

The last few days we have had the chance to spend time with 2 of my best friends from college. They are on their way back home from Africa for 4 months to CO and stopped in to stay with us for a few days.

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Candace and I go back to our first few days starting out as college freshman. We lived in this dorm:

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right across the hall from each other. Actually that was her room right above those double entrance doors. She and I slowly began hanging out and then became great friends. Our freshman year consisted of staying up WAY to late and not going to class the next day! We listened to music all the time, talked about anything and everything and tried to hang out with friends as much as possible! She later on became my favorite roomate in college. I loved our room!

She is one friend in my life that I can be completely myself with. We have been through so much in our time together. We have argued (haha more than we should have) we have prayed earnestly together, we have cried together and we have seen each other at our worst’s. She is a friend that is irreplaceable in my life. She knows me so well even though we don’t get to talk everyday. I was able to walk beside her from the very beginning of her journey to God. God has used her in my life to teach me how sacred scripture memory is. I would often see her around campus walking and reading her little note cards that had her verses on them for that day. She taught me how to love God deeply. Passionately. I am so proud of her and the woman that she is.

Ryan was my first guy friend in college. We would hang out and have great talks about God. He is an extremely loyal friend and would even listen to all of my drama! Ryan was always different from the rest of the guys in college. I always felt like he thought deeper and differently. He used those thoughts to encourage others to think for themselves. That is one thing that really stayed with me after hanging out with him. I felt like he taught me to step back and look at the big picture and think for myself. He is a great friend. I have loved seeing Candace and Ryan’s love story unfold. I am so thankful they have each other- they are perfect!

We were able to talk about their trip to Africa and about life for all of us. It was great to catch up and talk about old times! It was such a sweet time for me. Its so sweet to have my husband begin to have friendships with them also. I have missed them both in my life.

They were able to meet August for the first time! On Monday we took the bus downtown and ate lunch and walked around. We had a great time. This is a picture of August’s first bus ride!

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He did so great!!

These are some pics of their last moments with us before they left!

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We are so thankful you guys came and hung out with us! Thanks for loving on August! I am so excited to see where our lives are going! Love you guys so much!

One of my new favorite pics of my man and I

January 10, 2009 at 6:06 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments

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2 things I L-O-V-E

January 10, 2009 at 6:03 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments

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Have you ever used this stuff? AMAZING! I love it and want to brush my teeth more than 2 times a day because it makes your mouth feel so clean! Here is a little blurb about it:

“Refreshing natural flavor. Real flavor oils, not artificial sweeteners like saccharin, leave your mouth feeling clean and fresh.”

This is their website. You should check it out! They also do ton’s for their community. I love supporting things that give back! Its the best. 🙂

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This is our favorite cleaner. It makes the entire apt smell like Lavender. I really like their other scents but love the smell of Lavender. It cleans so well. They have many other products that are safe for the environment, non toxic and made from natural ingredients. They use aromatherapy instead of harsh smells. LOVE this stuff and make up excuses to clean with it. They also have  Lavender drier sheets I want to try out. 🙂 I will let you know!

This is their website. Great products! We get ours from HEB.

I am really growing to love products that use natural ingredients and are good for the environment.

What products do you love?

Heavy heart

January 8, 2009 at 6:46 am | Posted in adoption, Family, God, love | 1 Comment

Tonight my heart is so heavy for those who are walking through the international adoption process. I have read 5 different blogs tonight of families who are waiting. Waiting to get on a plane to go and get their kids. Waiting on just a few more departments in order to get on a plane and get their kids. Waiting to see what the next step is. Waiting to see if Haiti will still accept them even though their laws just changed today. There seems to be immense joy and immense heartache with international adoption. Tonight I am led to cover these 5 families in prayer. Through joy and the pain. I read an incredible quote from Kim’s blog that her husband said, “Faith is Hearing the voice of God and Trusting the Heart of God enough to Act on what you have heard.”

I am so thankful that we have couples in our lives that are acting on their faith and truly pushing Steven and I. Each of these 5 families has been an encouragement. I can’t help but think it will be us one day. I can’t help but long for that day to come sooner than later. It is growing to be a deeper longing in my heart.

Tonight I walked into August’s room and watched him sleep. I kissed his sweet face. He was so peaceful. I can’t imagine my life without him. What would our lives be like if we had not adopted him? It was hard and long but I would do it 3 times over for him. I am so thankful that his mom kept him and decided to place him up for adoption. I am so thankful she chose us out of all the families she had to choose from. I am so thankful for her and her life that it brings me to tears. I am so thankful that God led us to him. Words don’t do justice for the love we have for him.

So tonight: I am praying for these sweet children and the families that long for them. I am praying that their families are united quickly and that God would hold those precious children tonight and let them feel the love that he has for them and that their families have for them. Tonight I am so thankful for our sweet little boy. Tonight I am dreaming about our future family.

Workin on my roots

January 4, 2009 at 10:29 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 8 Comments

This morning in church was such a sweet time for me. I know I have already written a little about this new year but I have been feeling so much anxiety about 09.

I really can’t stand new year’s resolutions. I find myself making promises to myself and breaking them all the time. I don’t really even want to set resolutions because it seems like a hollow promise that I won’t fulfill. While not making resolutions there have been many thoughts of, “I want to do this better this year.” This morning my mind was flooded with some of those thoughts. I want to be more proactive about growing with God, I want to lose weight, I want to be more patient with August, I want to pray so much more than I do. These are wonderful things but they are just fruit on the tree. I can’t turn a pear tree into an apple tree by picking at the fruit. It all comes from the roots.

I think in highschool/college I had my relationship with God totally backwards. I thought that giving God my morality was living with Him. I tried so hard to be moral. I think it turned people away from me. I know that I don’t feel like I can talk or be myself around people who are striving for morality. I hate it because it began to mask my true love for people. I thought I had to act a certain way to be “set apart.” I wish I could go back, be myself and have the one goal of just loving people more than I love myself.

Well this morning it surfaced again during church. I have had the, “I suck” mindset for a week or so now. I have been lazy, I feel fat, I want to work out but have no desire to, I have been selfish, I can’t get up in the mornings because I stay up to late at night, I suck at getting my son on a schedule and feel soooooo lost as a mom and on and on and on. I wish I could find a part time job that I am passionate about but feel unqualified for everything simply because “I suck.” I am trying to muster up enough strength to BE these things. Everytime I fail and then I just feel even more strongly about how much I suck as a person.

*You might think this is strange* My sweetest moments in my life consist of me blocking the entire world out and imagining myself in a sunflower field (much like the picture above) just laying and talking to my first love. The warmth of the sun, the brightness of the flowers, the purity of my time with him. Those moments with God bring peace and purpose to my life. Those are my sweetest moments with God- when I go there with him and just be with him. Just talking. I hear him most when I am there with him. Just laughing and thanking him for who he is. Just spending time with him. It is our special place. Those are my sweetest times of worship- when I meet him there. The place that nobody knows how to get to- its just me and him. When I leave this earth, I pray that that is how we meet face to face. I pray that I can meet him there. It is the place that brings the brightest warmth to my heart. A place of rest. A place of peace. A place of love.

This morning we talked about not trying to offer God morality but just BEING with him. He wants me to just stay right beside him. He chose 12 men to just be with him and live life with him. The longer they stayed with him the more they loved him. They reflected him because they had spent time with him. He changed them in those moments. Hearing this brought so much peace to my anxiety filled heart this morning. How many times have I heard this in my life and why can’t I learn it!! It was just nice to hear that I don’t have to “be” anyone or anything. Today has been such a sweet day since. I just want to focus on moments with him during the day. Remembering my first love. When I am abiding with him the roots of who I am will change.

So this is what I am focusing on for 09. I just want to be with God. I want my heart and mind bound to him.

Reflections from 08

January 4, 2009 at 9:02 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment

I entered this 09 year kind of reluctantly. I was sad to see the 08 year go although it has been the hardest year of my life. The theme for the year I think was the word “change.” I feel as if 75% of the year was spent with me just holding (clinging) on to Jesus not knowing how everything would pan out. I felt completely out of control the entire year and I have to say it was the sweetest year of my life this far. We have had some huge things (for me :)) happen this year. These are just a few:

*we began dreaming of moving to Austin

*we dove hard into getting our adoption moving (paper work, meetings)

*we had to raise a lot of money for our adoption

*we decided on moving to Austin and began to prepare

*I knew that I would be 13 hours from my parents for the first time in my life

*I ended my job in May and went on the road with Steven during the summer (right before the move and baby)

*We packed our house into a HUGE u-haul along with the Ivey’s house

*We left our first house- it was our first home that we had made our own

*We moved into the Ivey’s house because our house wouldn’t sell

*We got chosen to be August’s parents

*We waited for a month for August to be born not knowing if he would one day be ours, meanwhile living with the Ivey’s for a month having so much fun with our best friends

*Our house still isn’t selling, we have to have our own place for the adoption which resulted in a one day turn around moving into our apt and me not going to Haiti as planned

*We drove to Nashville and stayed a month with my parents for the birth of August and release to come back to Texas

*We had August for 3 weeks falling in love with him but knowing his mom could still change her mind

*The wait time ended and we were released to go back to Texas!

*We are in a new city, new state, new church, meeting new friends, new apt with a new baby!

*We have a house payment, an apt payment, bills with one income and it always works out and we don’t know how!

I know that others go through sooo much more than what this year entailed for us. For me this year was so stretching. I was stretched beyond what I thought I was capable of. Throughout this stretching process I found a peace that I have only had one other time in my life. It was the peace you find when you are completely out of control. Its amazing how much deeper my love for God is because of this year. Its amazing how much stronger my marriage is because of this year. I think I am having a hard time letting go of 08 and really focusing on a new year. I am still learning from 08. I want to live without control this year as I did last year. Lord thank you for hurt, worry, helplessness, heartache, a new chapter in the journey and a new joy for they have led me closer to you!

NEW BLOG!

January 3, 2009 at 3:18 am | Posted in Uncategorized | 3 Comments

My AMAZING husband designed my blog with my favorite picture ever of his! So sweet- thank you so much love!

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