Fear

October 6, 2009 at 5:04 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 7 Comments

The last couple of months I have been going through “Recovery” at my church. Recovery is a spiritually based program that mirrors the Alcoholics Annonymous’ 12 step process. I started out going to support a friend and found out that I needed to be there! What I love about Recovery is that it’s a place of healing. It doesn’t matter if you are an alcoholic, sex addict, seeker of approval, a person who lives in fear, or anything else that could take God’s place of control in your life. It has been monumental for seeing patterns, going to the root of those patterns and trusting God to change them in my life.

One of these patterns I have seen in my life is fear. I thought that fear was something small in my life that is somewhat normal. In recovery you typically have a sponsor who loves you, helps you walk through all of these hard discoveries and is there to help you think. My wonderful sponsor brought up the issue of fear in my life and really started questioning it. I kinda shrugged fear off and thought it was something I occasionally dealt with. The more I tried to shrug it off the more it wouldn’t seem to leave me alone.

I sat down to do my inventory of fear and was appalled at what came out when my pen hit the paper. Fear has interwoven itself in every part of me and is a bigger monster than what I had imagined.

It asked the question: what do I fear?

Let’s just say there was a long list of things I fear. These are a few. I fear my husband or son dying. I fear failure. I fear pursing my dreams. I fear traveling/living in other countries. I fear my own inadequacy. I fear the loss of others approval. I fear…. I fear…..I fear…

I started to see that the very things I fear are the things I desire most in this life. I want to go back to school. I want to have natural childbirth.  I want to run a 1/2 or full marathon. I want to live in another country one day.  I want to enjoy my family everyday I have with them! Below my fears are great passions trying to fight their way out. My pattern: I have a passion for something. I dream about it.  Fear comes creeping in and I squash it and say that I will deal with it later in life. It is a constant pattern that plagues my life and paralyzes me from taking risks.

It has been absolutely overwhelming to see all of this. That is the beauty of Recovery. We don’t know what is way down deep inside of us. Through these 12 steps you carve out time to really examine your life. For me I have scratched the surface, felt overwhelmed, been extremely broken over my own depravity and have laid my life down at Jesus’ feet again and again. I have gone back to the first 3 steps more times that I can count.

Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over our addictions and compulsive behavior, that our lives had become unmanageable.

Step 2: We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

Step 3: We made a decision to turn our life and our will over to the care of God.

For to long I have tried to fix myself. That itself has been a continual pattern. It has been incredibly refreshing to rest at the feet of Jesus and know that HE is the only one who can fix me.

More to come…

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