Adoption- we can’t forget

January 28, 2009 at 5:09 pm | Posted in adopting august, adoption | 10 Comments

This morning Steven left for work, August is still asleep and I find that my mind is racing. In the midst of talking so much about domestic adoption I feel like God has led me to this place.

Adoption is circling heavily in my life right now. I feel as if our generation is rising up and really making a difference. There are many couples who are starting the process, waiting or at least inspired enough to really think and pray about the possibility.

Steven and I did not struggle with infertility. We did not go through disappointment after disappointment of longing to be pregnant and it not happening for us. We longed for a child in our family. I waited for about a year and half- each day longing for a child. God made it very clear that our firstborn was not to be biological. I have very close friends that I have walked through infertility with. It is painful and seems very unfair. On many occasions I have cried out to God for them begging him for a child for them. I have seen God cultivate a heart for adoption through infertility for many couples.

Adoption is sooooo veryyyy hard. It is not a “fun” journey of “getting a baby.” I hate that phrase by the way. There are new struggles and waiting that seem to consume your thoughts and take FOREVER. It is painful. It is a journey. In the midst of all of these struggles it is easy to lean towards the mindset of “I just want a baby.” I can imagine that it would be harder/worse if you have struggled through infertility. If you are a believer in God and live your life in such a way that you honor him before yourself I think there is a great opportunity to apply this to adoption. I realize that your heart can already feel exhausted and the last thing you want to do is put someone else before your self in this emotional time

In the midst of your heartache and pain it could be easy to lose the face and name of this mom who is making an incredibly hard decision. As you are waiting or when you are chosen I truly believe that you have a unique opportunity to pray for the BEST situation to happen. I do believe that the best scenario is for her to parent her child. It is her baby. This part of domestic adoption is not the favorite subject to talk about. However it is an integral part. It is her choice. It is her baby. It is a choice that she needs to make and not be talked into. I think its so important to know this ahead of time. It is VERY possible that she could change her mind. She has every right to. It hurts, it is feared but it is part of it.

With every adoption there is a different story. In domestic adoption there is a tendency to always call the girls birthmoms but I am not comfortable doing that because they are not birthmoms until that baby is born, papers are signed and their rights are given over by their own doing. I call them moms- because that is who they are. There are moms who are young, there are moms who are older. There are moms that have taken care of themselves/baby and there are moms who have not. There are moms who this is their first baby to place. There are moms who this is their 5th baby to place. There are moms who have genuine intentions and there are moms who are working the system. Every scenario is different. None of them are better than any other. They are each unique and loved by God. It is what it is. As a believer I think that you can deeply pray for her and love her during your brief interaction. No matter if you think she “deserves” it or not. It is not for you to judge her circumstances or place of life.

For us, we developed a great love for our mom before we were ever chosen. We had decided that if her changing her mind was part of our journey than so be it. We know that God is big and sees the bigger picture. It was not about us. It was not about us “getting a baby”. After months of praying for her and waiting patiently to meet her we were finally chosen. I can not begin to describe my heart towards her the day we were finally able to meet. It was a unique opportunity for us to love on her and be Jesus to her. To want the best for her and support her no matter what that may be- even if that meant pain for us. We never considered August “our” baby. He was her baby. She shocked us by asking us to consider him our baby. I would have NEVER done this before. She wanted us to love him and be his parents. I was honored that she chose us for this. She loved him. We had him for 3 weeks before we knew that he was “our” baby. We loved him and treated him as our own but knew that he was still hers. He will always be hers. Now we just share him. ๐Ÿ™‚

I guess the point of this whole post is to remember the moms. Don’t forget their stories. Love on them, honor them with your words and your heart. Try and get to a place where you love them and serve them even if it brings you pain. This is the gospel lived out. It may be part of your journey that your mom changes her mind. God has the child for you and your family. As we look at Job’s life we know that that journey could lead us through a great amount of pain before we get to a place where we understand (if we ever do). God loves us and loves these moms.

I pray that a love for adoption will keep growing in our generation. There are sooooooooooo many kids that need families. There is a need for international and domestic. I pray that every family would consider adoption as part of their own journey. It is a clear picture of God adopting us into his family and loving us as his own. Everyone can play a role in adoption. Whether that be financially, adding a child to your family, supporting single moms, praying for waiting families and praying for families struggling with infertility. I can honestly say that every moment of heartache was worth it. I love August more than I ever thought was possible.



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  1. maris GREAT thoughts. love you girl!

  2. Exactly!! I love reading what you think and am so glad to feel connected to someone that shares the same thoughts I do!!!! Thanks for always writing the hard stuff ๐Ÿ™‚

  3. great post. i’m glad you pray that every family would consider adoption as part of their own journey. i pray that too.

  4. I love these thoughts and your heart for the first moms. I think you guys are such a great example to others for choosing adoption first. Of course many people come to adoption through infertility, but I love that families are proactively choosing it as well.

    It is so important to honor birthmoms, even when their actions have not been honorable. It’s a good reminder to me!

  5. Such a great post, Maris. I wrote something similar a little while back. It is so good to be reminded that we are not “rescuing” anyone. These moms are people. Not incubators. ๐Ÿ˜‰

    It is so nice to see someone else who has had a journey similar to ours. We also “chose” adoption, or should I say it chose us. KJ Is the joy of my life. I can’t imagine my family growing in any other way!

    As I like to tell all my friends when they admire my child… “adoption IS an option… not just a last resort” Be well!

  6. My husband and I just adopted a newborn girl 2 months ago. After, having no difficulty conceiving our 4 year old son, we ran into many problems the second time around. We were offered fertility treatments but I knew immediately that God’s plan was adoption for our family. I am SO grateful that God led us down this path. We decided to be open to all races and gender in our search and God led us to our little girl. Our agency was great, birth mom is a wonderful Christian woman, and our daughter is beautiful and healthly. She is such a miracle and gift. Adoption is expensive and a process but it was the best thing for our family!

  7. This is a great post! I found your blog through a lot of clicking on links and here I am! I’m so glad to have found you and your family. August is ADORABLE and I know he has been such a blessing to you.

    We are also growing our family through adoption only we are adopting through the foster care system. Right now we have a one-year-old who was placed with us when he was three days old. We are still waiting and hoping to adopt him.

    Adoption is an AMAZING journey but one that comes with a lot of ups and downs…we wouldn’t have it any other way. God is SO worthy of our faith and trust!

  8. We have a biological child and are pursuing adoption as an option as the Lord leads us to our second child. I am not surprised that the first mom asked you to think of August as YOUR baby very early on in her adoption plan. If she already has children she knows how hard it is to parent a child that she loves and has birthed. It would very difficult to parent a child that you think of as someone else’s. I am so grateful that God calls us “HIs own”.

  9. Thank you for standing up for us firstmoms (since you don’t like birthmom heh) – it is very refreshing to hear from an adoptive mom who cares so for her firstmom. it sounds to me like August has two wonderful moms. Is it an open adoption?

  10. Thank you all for your comments!
    Mandi- thanks so much for stopping by! We are open on our end but she is closed. We are praying for that to change one day! I know she is still healing- its only been 4.5 months. We send pics and updates to our agency and she has the opportunity to get those anytime she wants to.

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