Workin on my roots

January 4, 2009 at 10:29 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 8 Comments

This morning in church was such a sweet time for me. I know I have already written a little about this new year but I have been feeling so much anxiety about 09.

I really can’t stand new year’s resolutions. I find myself making promises to myself and breaking them all the time. I don’t really even want to set resolutions because it seems like a hollow promise that I won’t fulfill. While not making resolutions there have been many thoughts of, “I want to do this better this year.” This morning my mind was flooded with some of those thoughts. I want to be more proactive about growing with God, I want to lose weight, I want to be more patient with August, I want to pray so much more than I do. These are wonderful things but they are just fruit on the tree. I can’t turn a pear tree into an apple tree by picking at the fruit. It all comes from the roots.

I think in highschool/college I had my relationship with God totally backwards. I thought that giving God my morality was living with Him. I tried so hard to be moral. I think it turned people away from me. I know that I don’t feel like I can talk or be myself around people who are striving for morality. I hate it because it began to mask my true love for people. I thought I had to act a certain way to be “set apart.” I wish I could go back, be myself and have the one goal of just loving people more than I love myself.

Well this morning it surfaced again during church. I have had the, “I suck” mindset for a week or so now. I have been lazy, I feel fat, I want to work out but have no desire to, I have been selfish, I can’t get up in the mornings because I stay up to late at night, I suck at getting my son on a schedule and feel soooooo lost as a mom and on and on and on. I wish I could find a part time job that I am passionate about but feel unqualified for everything simply because “I suck.” I am trying to muster up enough strength to BE these things. Everytime I fail and then I just feel even more strongly about how much I suck as a person.

*You might think this is strange* My sweetest moments in my life consist of me blocking the entire world out and imagining myself in a sunflower field (much like the picture above) just laying and talking to my first love. The warmth of the sun, the brightness of the flowers, the purity of my time with him. Those moments with God bring peace and purpose to my life. Those are my sweetest moments with God- when I go there with him and just be with him. Just talking. I hear him most when I am there with him. Just laughing and thanking him for who he is. Just spending time with him. It is our special place. Those are my sweetest times of worship- when I meet him there. The place that nobody knows how to get to- its just me and him. When I leave this earth, I pray that that is how we meet face to face. I pray that I can meet him there. It is the place that brings the brightest warmth to my heart. A place of rest. A place of peace. A place of love.

This morning we talked about not trying to offer God morality but just BEING with him. He wants me to just stay right beside him. He chose 12 men to just be with him and live life with him. The longer they stayed with him the more they loved him. They reflected him because they had spent time with him. He changed them in those moments. Hearing this brought so much peace to my anxiety filled heart this morning. How many times have I heard this in my life and why can’t I learn it!! It was just nice to hear that I don’t have to “be” anyone or anything. Today has been such a sweet day since. I just want to focus on moments with him during the day. Remembering my first love. When I am abiding with him the roots of who I am will change.

So this is what I am focusing on for 09. I just want to be with God. I want my heart and mind bound to him.

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8 Comments »

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  1. Such sweet words, Maris. That’s what it’s all about…..just being with Him. And girl, don’t feel bad that you have to keep “learning” it. I don’t think we’ll ever truly “get it” until we are face to face with Him. His grace is sufficient. Love you, beautiful lady.

  2. Thank you for posting this Bush told me I should swing by and want you to know that you will be a permanent fixture in my reading life. My wife and I have been so blessed by your words and cannot wait to read more. Until the day we finally meet in person….

  3. you and i seem to be on the same journey… of sorts. i too can’t stand new years resolutions, so i don’t make them. personally, and for both of us it seems, resolutions are made, just to be broken. (at least that’s been historically what i do). so this year, or last year rather, i began thinking… what should i be doing? as a child of christ, what does he desire from me, what has he created me to be or to do? from lots of thought and prayer it came down to one simple thing. he desires for me to know him. not know of him, but know him as well as i know myself. it is my duty as a christian. i mean, honestly, i can’t truly call myself one if i don’t truly know who’s image i have been made in. SO… starting jan 1, i began reading the word, from the beginning… it’s my duty, to know him, to read about him, to get to know him more. he chose to do that for me, why shouldn’t i, for him? so, it’s not a resolution, but what he has called me to do! all for his glory! and thus far, such sweetness has come from the past 4 days of reading!

  4. I feel this so much. I am not always sure what to do about this…I want to be AUTHENTIC to God. I want to be His. I want to not strive to be “good” i want to strive to love. Love. I’m not sure how to do it and I struggle with the “I sucks” too…A LOT LATELY! It’s hard…and I feel like a failure at MANY MANY THINGS…I love you friend!

  5. Oh this made me want to find my own sunflower field. So good.

  6. Girl, I hear ya. I HATE new year’s resolutions. I have a horrible time with follow through. I seem to never finish things, stick it out to the end, be consistent…I FAIL all the time. I guess I’m human. ๐Ÿ™‚
    But this morning I had that same sense of wanting more of God, desiring Him, desiring just to be with Him. I want Him to use me, to do His will and bring Him glory through me and I know that if I stay close to Him He will do that. He will change me, He will give me strength, I will become fishers of men. Amazing. I love you girl and think you are absolute beauty!

  7. i so love the dreamer in you. ๐Ÿ™‚

  8. Oh Mare – thanks for sharing this. I think it is comforting to us all when we are honest w/ one another about what we struggle w/ and how we feel about ourselves. I think we all say to ourselves ‘wow, I’m not the only one’. So thank you. And also, you sharing about your special sunflower field w/ you and God alone gave me goosebumps. I miss our late night talks and us dreaming about God together and sharing how He meets us. This uplifted my heart. Thanks again for sharing. You are beautiful and He is delighting and dancing over you now!


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