September 24, 2008 at 5:54 pm | Posted in adoption, God, Life, love, My Husband, Thoughts on God | 5 Comments

Friday I had a major meltdown. I felt it coming. It consisted of me being furious with God. I did not want to talk to anyone. I told God that I had felt abandoned by him. I was so angry that “it seemed” nothing was working out for us. It had been (what we thought) was a major set back. I didn’t know how God was going to provide our own place for us to live in order to go to nashville for our adoption. I didn’t know how we were going to get the rest of our money. I questioned God as to why he told us (in the middle of this adoption) to pick up and move our whole lives, wait for our house to sell and wait for all of the details to work out. I was so angry with God. There was a lot more to it than just those things but you get the gist of it.

I could go on and on about how God has provided and “fixed” every issue that I was upset about on Friday. That is not the issue that I am broken about. I am so broken that I just don’t trust him. When in your life do you stop questioning his love for you? Is there a day when you look in the mirror and say, “ok, no more. I will trust God for the rest of my life that he is good, he loves me and that I need to trust him.” At what point do we stop this pattern of getting impatient with God and turning to our own ways to try and “fix” what he is not working out for us?? Do I worry about whether Steven loves me or not? NO and he has only been in my life for the last 5 years. So why do I worry about God’s love and provision for my life? God made me! Steven didn’t make me and look how much he loves me! How much greater is our Father’s love for us?! Is it enough that we just say we are just like the Israelites and excuse it all away? My anger has turned from God to myself.

The one thing that is so evident throughout my life is that God has led me throughout all of it. He has walked beside me and led me the entire way. When things look like they are going wrong or they look chaotic it has been because God is putting a new spin on a situation to make it work better than what it was before. I can name like 5 things off the top of my head that he has done this for and I know there are so many more.

So when do we stop turning to our own understanding and start trusting? Even when “bad” things happen. He is still there. His hand is still holding us.

I think the greatest thing that I have learned is that I don’t have to fear what lies ahead. Today- I don’t have to fear what our sweet mom chooses. God is in control of all of our hearts and I am praying that his hand is soverign. If I lost Steven today- would I trust that God would provide for me and get me through that? I am really trying to get there. I know this is true because I have seen God provide for a very precious friend of mine through the loss of her husband. If I die today- I don’t have to fear death. I get to be with the God of my heart. God has taken my fear away when I trust Him.

Can we push ourselves and let him teach us how to pattern our life to trust and not doubt as a first reaction?  I just get so frustrated that the very things I struggled with in highschool are the very things I still struggle with today. I want to get past this in my life!!!!!!

So today I am trusting which brings rest to my soul.

trust: to have confidence, be pursuaded, assurance, believe

confidence: standing under, set, a foundation, endure, undertake anything, boldness, affirm constantly

I am becoming more and more familiar with these words.

“Trust (believe, have confidence in) the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and he will make straight your paths.” Proverbs 3:5-6

Lord I repent of my lack of faith. Teach me to have bigger faith and to trust you with my life!



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  1. This may make absolutely no sense to you but I am thankful for this post for this reason: just today and in the past few days, I have questioned whether or not this is the “end of times” (someone brought the thought to my mind and it stuck…) and it has started freaking me out…I keep getting butterflies in my stomach, not understanding what I should do about it, what I should do with my children, money, anything…and then when I get to school to study…I instead choose to read your blog (GO TAMARA)…and this is what I read “TRUST IN GOD…PERIOD” and I am thankful and blessed. I love you and your heart!

  2. This comment has absolutely nothing to do with your post (though I read and appreciated it!) – but just saw that you are an ENFP – I am too!

    Angela Suh 🙂

  3. I can relate to your roller coaster of emotions.
    You are in my prayers. I am praying about next week and everything that it holds. I cannot wait to hear about it. Please let me know if you need ANYTHING.
    Love you guys!

  4. This is the story of so many of us at so many times in our lives. Why is it so hard to trust the One who created us and loves us unconditionally? When we tell Him our struggles and cry out our frustrations, He is always so faithful to show us again, how much He loves us through an even deeper relationship than we had before. I think He likes it when we get to that point. So often we go through life doing our own thing, and we don’t even stop to notice that our need for God is great!! We settle for living the “okay” life when He wants to give us the abundant life! I am so excited about what our Father is doing in your life now! Abundance! I can’t wait to see August! Be safe! See you in Nashville! Love you.

  5. I wish I knew the answer to that one! Just when I thought I had it figured out, we started our adoption journey, and I was a mess, and questioning God at every turn. I don’t think it’s indicative of a lack of faith – I think it’s all part of our ever-growing relationship with God, and as new parents. It’s one thing to hand over our own lives. It’s a whole new experience to lay our children’s lives at His feet.

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