Honesty

September 4, 2008 at 5:33 am | Posted in adoption, Thoughts on God | 6 Comments

I have had a hard time with what blog needs to come after our wonderful announcement. I have been trying to think of something to say along the lines of how we are doing and what is going on right now. I don’t like to leave anyone hanging! The more I tried to think of what to say the more I came to grips with the fact that I really didn’t want to share what is going on inside of me and my heart right now. My heart is very messy right now. But for the simple facts that there are many people who are following this blog and if we can be an example to others FOR adoption then I guess being honest can be worth it!?

First of all this is a domestic adoption and the baby will be born on October 2nd (if anyone feels lost here!)

I would think you would all be able to guess how excited we are?? That should be a given.

I don’t really even know how to start all of this but I just wanted to share this part of the journey. Its kind of scattered.

I am very guarded right now. I want you to know before hand that I am already in love with the child that God has for us and will not have a problem becoming attached quickly. There is a small part of me that is scared of getting hurt. I think that could be a given also. This is not a done deal. Its hard for me to let my heart emotionally attach to this specific child. Not because I couldn’t but because I am trying not to.

More than anything the reason that I am guarded is because of the sweet mom of this child. At this point she is very firm in her decision. She has made it very clear what she wants to happen and how much she wants us to parent this child. I have SOOOOOOO much respect for her. She has chosen life.

My heart and my spirit cannot get to a place of 100% embracing the fact that this child is our child yet. I struggle with what she would want of me right now. Would she be disappointed if she knew that I am trying to wait to spill out my love? Does she want me to embrace this child whole heartedly right now as my child? I feel like I am trying to honor her by holding back for right now. I am doing it because I care for her.

I just cannot go there until papers are signed and everything is cleared. I don’t want to go there yet. I want her to have her own time to make this decision and follow through with what she believes in. I want this to be her time. I want her to feel the freedom to change her mind if she wants to. I want to meet her and love on her as her. I want to minister to her. I want to help her. I NEVER want to look at her as just the carrier of our baby. That statement makes my skin crawl. If she follows through with everything- we will have our time. I just want this to be hers. If this is what she really wants I will 1,000% step in and love this child as if he came out of my body. I am ready for that. I have been ready. I am just waiting to see how all of this plays out.

We haven’t met her yet. We will the week of her delivery. I am greatly looking forward to that day.

For however long we have him, whether it be a lifetime or for 2 days- the moment I see him I know I will love him. I will take care of him, I will kiss all over his sweet face. I will hold him, I will love him.  I can’t consider him Steven and Maris Bush’s baby until everything is all over but I will love him.

I am speaking for myself here (Maris). I am not saying that Steven feels this way also. I just wanted to let you in on some of my thoughts as we approach October 2nd.

We are getting ready. We are excited. This is a journey that we are just daily walking through and figuring it out as we walk. I am so so thankful for all of your sweet comments. Thank you for your support. Thank you for your prayers for us and our sweet mom. We will keep you updated!

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6 Comments »

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  1. i love you so much babe. i love your heart for this baby. i love your heart for this mother. i love your heart for this adoption. we can all learn something from you & your thoughts.

    thanks for sharing this.

  2. I found your blog through Jamie Ivey’s and I have to say, I have a HUGE amount of respect for you for this post. My aunt and uncle were part of an adoption that you fear, and were also a part of one that you hope for. Both were filled love, hurt, and joy. (Feel free to read on my blog, the story is there, How Adoption Changed My Life). I will be praying for you, your husband, your birth mother, and your little boy. I don’t know you, but I know enough from reading this that you are a person of strong character. Your desire for this baby is there, and your love for him is also, as well as the love you have for his birth mother. Thank you for sharing your thoughts so openly. Praying for you… ~Emily

  3. Oh my goodness, I can relate so much to what you are saying. I am going through the same feelings myself right now in regards to our Haiti adoption, and I felt the same way as we waited for our first son to finalize. OF COURSE you feel that way. You are guarding your heart because your love is so wide that it just might split it open. I hope you don’t feel badly about it, because it is just self-protection and not any indication of how you will love that baby as his mommy. Once he is in your arms you will have lots and lots of emotions stored up to lavish on him!

    I also think that the love you have for the birthmom is the way you are loving your son-to-be.

  4. Maris, this was such a beautiful and brave post. I loved it b/c it really showed your heart. I love your honesty! I’m praying for you & for August & for August’s birthmom! Love you guys!!

  5. What a beautiful post! I found your blog through another adoption blog and am happy for you and your husband. Two years ago we were feeling the same things you described so eloquently. It’s so hard to guard your heart when you have so much love to give. It doesn’t get any easier when there is a beautiful, live, breathing baby in the mix.

    Hang in there, pray ALOT, and remember that God will guide the lives of all involved.

  6. Hi Maris, I found you through Jamie Ivey,too. I am Mom to three beautiful domestically adopted children, Grace,14, Samuel,10 and Alia,6. We have worked hard to advocate for birth mothers…to teach and tell others of the sacrifice of their love for these children. We try to help someone, anyone understand that they LOVE these children enough to sacrifice their own emotions, years of mom-ness and futures with them for these little ones to have ….more. More what is sometimes the question. It might be more of a dad or a mom that has a bit more wisdom, or a family that will not hold this child apart from the others. As a result God has honored us and our children with wonderful relationships with their birthmothers, friendships really, born out of mutual love and respect. My prayers will be focused that you will join with us. It sounds like you are already there. Your little one, August, will give you an even louder voice. Thank you for honoring his birthmother.


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