70 years to change the world

May 23, 2008 at 5:15 am | Posted in Uncategorized | 4 Comments

At work during my breaks I have been walking through a cemetary right beside the hospital. It started off with just me wanting to get out of that cramped office and became a great time of reflection for me. This cemetary is beautiful. It has big beautiful trees and has many beautiful statues with beautiful flowers. The last couple of days I have noticed a common thread throughout the headstones. I noticed that the majority of people lived about an average of 70 years. 70 years. Some of these graves date back to the early 1800’s. There are hundreds of people buried there. There are names and families all buried together. They were real people that had ambitions and desires. They had hopes and dreams. Now their bodies lay in the ground and their time is over. It made me think about how many years people have existed on this planet. Sometimes I think I can feel invinsible and like I am here to change the world. I could have just 70 short years. I may have 70 short hours.

In these 25 years that I have been on this earth I have acquired many hopes and dreams for myself. Not bad dreams, good ones that make a difference in someone’s life. In this time I have become very passionate about these things and have realized that I have made my life almost revolve around these hopes and dreams. Again these are good things. They are all I think about. I really really want to make a difference in this life. They have formed a wall around me and I am standing in the middle of them. I can’t help but think what if our country had a massive earthquake and swallowed me up and I died instantly. With me also died my hopes and dreams for my life. Useless. Over. Gone. In a different place. If I am going to be honest I can tell you that there is a dark sadness that falls on my heart at that thought. I wouldn’t want to die unless all of my dreams were lived out. How incredibly selfish is that thought? It makes me really examine my life. I want a life of comfort. I want a life where my kids that are adopted from all over the world and my amazing husband and I frolic through a field of yellow flowers wearing white linen shirts and having the time of our lives. I want what I want for my life. Does this mean that I don’t love God? No. I do. The older I get its becoming harder and harder to embrace the life he has for me. That could mean that my husband could die in a tragic car accident tomorrow. IF I am living my life for me that would be the beginning of my dreams shattered.

My question is- HOW do I shift my thinking from my dreams to embracing whatever God throws our way and trusting that his plan is better even if it means tragic death. He is God. My life is in his hands anyway- so why do I waste so much time thinking my life is in my own hands?
I am really having a hard time prying my hands off of this subject with God and I. I feel inadequete to let go of these dreams. If I give them up they may not happen. How do I learn how to stop making the world revolve around me in my head? This blog isn’t completed yet but I just wanted to throw some thoughts out there.

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4 Comments »

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  1. yah i think about this same stuff all the time. the other night we were laying in bed and i said you realize we only have about 40-50 years left here. then we’re gone. all we have after that is our legacy left to our kids,etc.

    i want to make a difference so bad in my years here.

  2. I feel like you wrote out everything that’s in my mind right now! Love you & miss you!

  3. oops–that was me writing, not matt 🙂

  4. hey mare – you’ve definitely hit on a subject close to my heart. i have my fists clutched so tightly around my life, dreams, and hopes that i’m probably losing circulation in my hands! but really, i’ve had an extremely hard time surrending things to God… and i think that’s mostly b/c i don’t trust Him as much as i used to. but reading your blog reminded me of my fav book ‘the pursuit of God’. i have the note card handy in my purse for such times as these to remind myself of the truth and thought i’d share.
    i think in order to truly live out our years well here… we’ve got to learn the art of surrendering and in that, our lives may never look as we thought they would, but i bet we’d grow so much closer to God that we wouldn’t even care. i think that’s HOW we shift our thinking from our dreams to embracing the life God has for us – SURRENDER – over and over again. does that mean it’s easy? heck no! God’s been telling me surrender for a long time now… and yet i am terrified! and what is standing in the way of me surrendering is my lack faith…i used to pray for God to show me He was worth it when i knew i needed to surrender something that was hard for me. i’d get on my knees and cry (and sometimes scream) w/ all my heart: “show me your worth it!”. and i don’t think that’s a bad thing b/c i was really asking – “God, i really need to know you that much more… i need you to reveal yourself to me so that i can see you are worth me giving up EVERYTHING… i need YOU so that i CAN give up all that i fear to lose!”
    anyways, i didn’t intend on writing that much… i guess God brought me here to show me what it is He’s asking me to do and He’s reminded me that I’ve done it before… i need to do it again. sorry, didn’t mean for this to be about me… i hope it helps in some way, even if just to relate.
    i love you girl – thanks for sharing!


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