I feel that a breakdown might be on its way…

April 27, 2008 at 1:00 am | Posted in adoption, Life, love, My Husband, Updates | 6 Comments

You know when you have a lot going on and you keep trying to tuck it away and not think about it but you know the more you tuck it away it keeps getting bigger and bigger? I have been feeling this way for the last couple of weeks. Our stress level seems to keep rising. I feel like God is standing in front of me and handing me one tennis ball at a time, trying to see how many I can hold. It was fine a month ago but he keeps handing them to me to hold and they are piling higher and higher and I am waiting for them to fall and spill out all over the floor.

*This adoption process is more emotionally draining than what I thought. We are trying to push through and get it done before Steven leaves for the summer but it has been so hard to get it pushed through. I feel like I am constantly looking at the calendar and the days are drawing in closer and closer. I look at how many days we have left before her leaves.

*We still have a lot of money to pay towards this adoption. Enough said.

*Steven and I both need dental work done. His is Monday- I need to go in next week and find out why my tooth is hurting. Not normal.

*There is another thing in our lives that I am stressed about but more to come on that later.

*My sweet friends are heading to Haiti in 5 days. This has lots of things that bring emotions with it. A) I am not going. Boo. I wish I was going. B) The Iveys are going to see their kids again, Aaron for the first time. I wish I was going to be there to experience that with them. I hate that we won’t be there. C) My Ginger is going to Haiti for the first time. I am so excited that she is going. I wish I was there to experience it with her. All in all SOOOOOOOO excited for them all. They will have a great trip that will again change their lives for the first time or again in some way. Did you get that I am sad that I am not going?

*I am wondering how long it will be before I hold a sweet baby that could potentially be mine. I count days and estimate when I think it could be. I dream about his/her eyes, cheeks, fingers and toes. I think about how much they will weigh and get excited about feeding, watching them sleep, hearing them scream at the top of their lungs and changing crazy diapers. I want to spend most of my time taking care of something else. I keep reading “Baby Wise” and getting so excited and figuring out what I should expect. I am counting days and hours and hoping it is coming soon. Oh God please don’t make us wait for a long time! That is the cry of my heart right now but I know that there are so many others out there that have been waiting a lot longer than we have. I am trying to figure out how to wear this suit of waiting. I can’t get it to fit the way it is supposed to.

*Steven leaves in 37 days. Enough said.

This in NO WAY is a blog about me complaining about my life. I honestly have never felt more free than I do now. I LOVE where we are. We have no idea what the heck we are doing, where we are going and what we will be experiencing! I am trying with everything to trust God with all these tennis balls that he is stacking in my arms. I am learning so much. There are just a lot of emotions right now. I am trying to enjoy today. It remind me of that song we learned at church when we were little.

“This is the day. This is the day. That the Lord has made. That the Lord has made.  I will rejoice. I will rejoice, and be glad in it. And be glad in it. This is the day that the Lord has made. I will rejoice and be glad in it. This is the day. This is the day that the Lord has made!”

How stinkin true is that song? How hard is it to live it? Thank you Lord for cheesy church songs that I learned when I was little that come back to my head as an adult! I have secretly been singing this song in my head for the last week. I will keep singing for fear that if I stop singing I will break down and all of these emotions spill out on an innocent bystander!!

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6 Comments »

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  1. Oh Maris–you’ve been so heavy on my heart today. It was so great to see you this week. I’m praying for you & for all of these 10,000 details that are about to drown you. I feel like I could have written most of this post myself. I love you so much & promise to stand with you in prayer during this season of life. We should be roomies this summer while our husbands are away. Matt is going to be gone for 7 weeks straight…oh my gosh, that makes me want to throw up. Just think–we WILL get through this & we WILL have babies in our arms SOON!! Love you friend!!

  2. Thanks so much Rachel. You are such a precious friend! It feels like there are a lot of us feeling the weight and struggle of adoption. I guess we just have to keep pushing through it dont we? Its all worth it in the end! Praying for you guys too!

  3. Maris, I am so proud to know you and to love you! You are such a huge blessing in this crazy crazy world and I love your heart! I can’t wait to watch this time in your life happen and I cannot wait to meet sweet baby August! I love you guys so much!!! I will be praying for you…

  4. My wonderful friend, I love you so much! Your heart is amazing and I love watching God work in your life even when it is uncomfortable. I’m praying for you tonight! I love you!

  5. Hey. It’s Erin. Thanks for stopping by my blog and offering some suggestions for T-shirts. I’ll let you know what we come up with. A couple months ago I was on a flight home from Denver. Two little girls… about 10 and 7 sat down next to me. They were the cutest, most articulate little girls I’ve met in a while. I got to talking with them and they told me all about their family. There are 3 sisters and then they adopted a little brother. My husband and I often talk about adopting one day so I asked them all about the process… both big sisters said with the sweetest spirit and a sparkle in their eye… gosh the wait was LOONNNGGG… but it was so very worth it. When I read about your struggles… I think of these two little girls and how very much they love their little brother. One day the wait will be over and you will say that the wait was worth it as well. Shalom, Erin

  6. i loved your comment:
    “How stinkin true is that song? How hard is it to live it? Thank you Lord for cheesy church songs that I learned when I was little that come back to my head as an adult!” it made me tear up in sheer gratefulness that i was brought up in such a loving Christian home…sunday school & VBS…youth summer camps, annual church picnics, blessed to have been taught Christ-centered curriculum, & it all does matter when we’re (32) or (?) ~ cheesey songs come to my mind too, and I love it. i love singing my kids the same songs.
    one that i love goes like this: “don’t build your house on the sandy land, don’t build it too near the shore; well it might look kinda nice, but you’ll have to build it twice; yeah, you’ll have to build your house once more. you better build your house upon the Rock! make a sure foundation on a solid spot – for the storms may come and go, but the peace of God you will know.”

    thanks for your transparent writing….oh, & stick w/baby wise…screw the criticism it gets, that book helped give me confidence & sleep – 2 things a new mommy could always use more of : D


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