My mind is spinning…

December 31, 2007 at 12:10 am | Posted in adopting august, adoption, Life, Thoughts on God, Updates | 5 Comments

I can tell God is doing some MAJOR work on me here lately. Jamie over at dreamingbigdreams.wordpress.com (I have to do that because Steven won’t show me how to do it the cool way!) posted the words of one of Spur’s songs that will always be such a song of surrender for me. We went to Chattanooga with the guys this weekend and this song gets me everytime. It makes me stop and surrender.

My mind is spinning with adoption, life, money, being a mom, work and anything else you could throw in there. I had a cool convo this week and it reminded me of what life is all about. For the last couple of months I have been looking for ways to make a difference in this world with my life. I have been caught up dreaming of ways that could be momumental in other’s lives and show them of the love that has changed me. I have dreamed SO MUCH about our family. I have dreamed of kids that I long to bring into our family and give them a home. This touches a very precious part of my heart.

I have done nothing but think for about a month now (hence no blogging- not on purpose but I feel like I can’t even touch what all is spinning through my head.) I have so many questions. I feel like my life question right now is “well how is this going to work?” I know my faith is there but my patience is lacking. I feel like we are at a stand still with our adoption and have to wait a while until we get more of our debt out of the way so that I can stay home and this is where I feel God working on me the most. I know He has access to money- I know how big He is but I feel Him making me wait. I have been the kid in the corner sitting in timeout watching her friends play and wanting SO BAD to be out of her chair but its not time to get up yet! So here is what I have come to:

Good grief we try to do good things. We try to make an impact. We run around trying to figure out our lives and I don’t know that we should be spending any time “figuring out our lives.” I have been driving myself crazy going around and around and I don’t know if I am supposed to being doing that. I want to do big things but I can’t miss the small things today!! I am trying to rest and go along for the ride and see where it takes us but my nature can’t do it! Its so hard for me. This is where I feel him working. Was I even created to figure out what comes next? What am I created for? What am I to be doing daily? I feel like over and over the answers scream LOVE to me. I have been asking all of these questions and the only answer I ever get through my convo’s with God is LOVE. Over and over and over. So in order to keep me from pulling out my hair I am focussing my life on the word LOVE. I decided to just go with it. I might even get it tatooed on me so that I never forget it. I am trying to love every person I come in contact with everyday in some way. It is a challenge. It keeps me focussed on today. It is refining me like crazy. It has made me not question as much but gives me something to do. Perhaps all that I am supposed to do. So I am confessing that I am trying… I am trying not to figure out how things will fall into place. I am trying not to figure out money. I am trying to leave it alone- keep working hard with what we have and to focus on LOVE each day. So I will have to let you know how I do this week. This is my goal- to work out this week and to LOVE!!