I had a revelation tonight…

February 25, 2007 at 6:05 am | Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments

From as far back as I can remember I have had a fear of losing someone close to me that I love. When I was younger it was my dad. I would have vivid dreams at night about my dad dying. I was always so afraid of this. Now that I am married I live with the worry that I am going to lose my husband. He travels so much and sometimes I can make up these horrible scenarios if I dont hear from him.
This is how messed up my brain is…
One time I was in the shower and I thought I heard something outside the door. I had shampoo in my hair and I thought to myself, “it was probably nothing.” Then the thought crossed my mind that what if Steven was having some type of medical emergency or something fell on him, or somebody broke into our house and stabbed him and he was crawling across the floor trying to make enough noise so that I would hear him and get out of the shower and call 911. So I decided to get out of the shower, dripping water all over the floor and check on him. I opened the door and I saw my cat next to the door and Steven laughing and wondering what I was doing. He was obviously fine and come to find out my cat had been pawing at the door making the mysteious noise. This is how my brain works on a daily basis. I know, I know pray for me, love on me and feed me with truth because my brain is strange.
This weekend I am with Steven at a youth event. The speaker this morning talked about how important it was to be honest during prayer. So many times I start praying and then pull back trying to figure out what He would say and never give Him the chance to speak. We went over a couple passages like, Ps. 109 and Ps. 73. We found some very honest prayers by godly men about people they were furious with. It can be dangerous to share gossip and anger toward someone to other believers but we can always take our anger, frustrations, fears and everything else to God.
Well if you know me well I have probably expressed my fear of losing my husband with you. Tonight during worship I finally voiced that fear to God. Almost immediately God gave me the answer to working out this fear in my life. I sat down and wrote this out.
“When I think my greatest fear is losing my husband I find that it is merely a mask to the ultimate fear in my life. My greatest fear is, in that moment is God really enough? Is He really sufficiant? Is He really all I need?”
My perspective in this situation has changed a bit. I honestly don’t feel that afraid anymore. I want my actions and beliefs to line up with my words. In the absolute lowest point of my life I want God to be all that I need. I am now working on this fear in my life.

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  1. Thank you, Maris. My heart certainly echoed that of yours, and I’m truly grateful for you sharing your story. I appreciate your vulnerability; God has certainly used it to transform my thoughts. Thank you.

  2. You have no idea how close this comes to what I am fearing most in my life. I am going with Jesse somewhere next week and I am TERRIFIED of dying and leaving my children without a mother or without a father and a mother. I am terrified of something happening to them and my not being here. They are being taken care of by Jesse’s parents, it is not like they are going to be alone or with someone I don’t know or something…but I am terrified. I am going to check out those passages and pray with them in mind. I appreciate your being so candid and expressing what I fear the most in my life. With Jesse being a tow truck driver, I also have some of the same fears you do. I can also convince myself I am dying of SOMETHING…just about anything if you give me long enough…You are a blessing Miss Maris!!!


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