Today is a huge day!

September 30, 2008 at 1:42 pm | In Updates, adoption | 9 Comments

This is a huge day for us. It is one that we have looked forward to since we started this process. Today is the day that we meet our sweet mom. I really could not explain my heart this morning if I tried. I think the only way to,  would be to say that my heart is flooding for her this morning. I can’t wait to hug her, give her huge beautiful flowers and tell her how humbled we are that she chose us to parent this baby. I long to tell her that we never want her to factor in hurting us in her decision. We love her and want her to make a decision that she can live with for the rest of her life. I could go on and on. I could seriously talk her head off but I don’t want to do that. Please just pray that we only say what God would have us say today. That my mouth would stay closed when it  needs to and only open with words that bring peace and love. It is NOT about us. It is about serving her and making her feel loved. I don’t know what to expect. I am praying against it being awkward and me talking to much because I am nervous!!

We are more than excited. We are ready. We are ready to go forward no matter what that might bring. So many of you have emailed or sent texts and it brings tears to my eyes to think about each of your hearts towards us. We love you all so much and could never repay the amazing love and support you have shown us! Thank you for walking with us through this journey. This is one big week!!

T-r-u-s-t

September 24, 2008 at 5:54 pm | In God, Life, My Husband, Thoughts on God, adoption, love | 5 Comments

Friday I had a major meltdown. I felt it coming. It consisted of me being furious with God. I did not want to talk to anyone. I told God that I had felt abandoned by him. I was so angry that “it seemed” nothing was working out for us. It had been (what we thought) was a major set back. I didn’t know how God was going to provide our own place for us to live in order to go to nashville for our adoption. I didn’t know how we were going to get the rest of our money. I questioned God as to why he told us (in the middle of this adoption) to pick up and move our whole lives, wait for our house to sell and wait for all of the details to work out. I was so angry with God. There was a lot more to it than just those things but you get the gist of it.

I could go on and on about how God has provided and “fixed” every issue that I was upset about on Friday. That is not the issue that I am broken about. I am so broken that I just don’t trust him. When in your life do you stop questioning his love for you? Is there a day when you look in the mirror and say, “ok, no more. I will trust God for the rest of my life that he is good, he loves me and that I need to trust him.” At what point do we stop this pattern of getting impatient with God and turning to our own ways to try and “fix” what he is not working out for us?? Do I worry about whether Steven loves me or not? NO and he has only been in my life for the last 5 years. So why do I worry about God’s love and provision for my life? God made me! Steven didn’t make me and look how much he loves me! How much greater is our Father’s love for us?! Is it enough that we just say we are just like the Israelites and excuse it all away? My anger has turned from God to myself.

The one thing that is so evident throughout my life is that God has led me throughout all of it. He has walked beside me and led me the entire way. When things look like they are going wrong or they look chaotic it has been because God is putting a new spin on a situation to make it work better than what it was before. I can name like 5 things off the top of my head that he has done this for and I know there are so many more.

So when do we stop turning to our own understanding and start trusting? Even when “bad” things happen. He is still there. His hand is still holding us.

I think the greatest thing that I have learned is that I don’t have to fear what lies ahead. Today- I don’t have to fear what our sweet mom chooses. God is in control of all of our hearts and I am praying that his hand is soverign. If I lost Steven today- would I trust that God would provide for me and get me through that? I am really trying to get there. I know this is true because I have seen God provide for a very precious friend of mine through the loss of her husband. If I die today- I don’t have to fear death. I get to be with the God of my heart. God has taken my fear away when I trust Him.

Can we push ourselves and let him teach us how to pattern our life to trust and not doubt as a first reaction?  I just get so frustrated that the very things I struggled with in highschool are the very things I still struggle with today. I want to get past this in my life!!!!!!

So today I am trusting which brings rest to my soul.

trust: to have confidence, be pursuaded, assurance, believe

confidence: standing under, set, a foundation, endure, undertake anything, boldness, affirm constantly

I am becoming more and more familiar with these words.

“Trust (believe, have confidence in) the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and he will make straight your paths.” Proverbs 3:5-6

Lord I repent of my lack of faith. Teach me to have bigger faith and to trust you with my life!

A great opportunity!!

September 23, 2008 at 5:54 pm | In Uncategorized | 1 Comment

My sweet husband is using his amazing talents to try and raise the rest of our adoption money!! Please head over to his blog, check out his great pictures and consider buying one to help out with our remaining money for our adoption!

I am so proud of him and the man that he is. He is more talented than he will ever give himself credit for! My heart melts when I think of him holding August. We are so excited and counting down the days!!

So much to update!

September 22, 2008 at 6:54 pm | In Uncategorized | 7 Comments

I am going to do this with bullet points because its just easier!

*Friday we found out that we have to have a “home” before we go to Nashville for the adoption. Our new social worker in Texas has to come out and redo our homestudy this week. We were thinking this could be done when we got back. :) By the grace of God we already had a deposit down on the apt we wanted and they let us move in within 24 hours of that phone call. You can guess what we have been doing all weekend!! I am so excited to have our baby bed and changing table put together!!

*With this new information regarding our homestudy I had to make a very hard decision about Haiti. I knew our social worker was coming out to redo our homestudy and us moving into a new place that it would have been impossible for me to go to Haiti with Jamie this time. We had this trip planned way before we ever got chosen. Its so hard to know that Jamie is walking around Haiti right now and I am not with her.

*One week from today we will be driving to Tennessee!! Its getting crazy close. We are so excited and counting down the days

*I am doing ok with everything. The closer we get the more afraid I become. My days literally consist of me praying/journaling, reading my Bible, trusting, resting, getting up, doing stuff, start worrying again, surrender everything again, journal more, get busy again, start worrying, sit down and trust again and so on. It is getting harder the closer it gets. Everytime I go to God, He is constantly pushing me to trust and rest. Everytime! He just tells me to trust and that He loves me over and over again.

*Here are my fears- I am in love with this child and I long to bring him home to the place we have prepared for him but I am scared of getting hurt. I am more afraid that she will make the wrong decision and hurt for the rest of her life. I have to just pray and leave it there with God. I love adoption but it is sooooo hard!!!!!! Nobody ever said it was easy! I think I am just ready for the chance to meet her. I have to know that God is in control of everyone’s hearts and I am walking right beside him even though it is scary. He is with me and it is so evident!

*When we see him for the first time I want my heart to be fully ready to love. I don’t want to hold back because of fear. I am working towards that. I want to love for as long as we have him. Whether it be for 2 days or for the rest of his life. I know that he is not ours until those papers are signed and the time period is up but I am going to love that child for as long as we have him. (Do I say the same things over and over again in these posts? I think I do but its just good for me to get it all out.) I am very close to this- I just have to keep pushing to get there.

*I am just praying that our mom knows we will take care of this baby as our own. I don’t want her to worry about whether we will love this baby or not. I am just praying that God gives her peace about that in her decision making process.

*The reason I tell you all this is because I want to be honest through this process. I WANT people to learn and adopt because there are so many kids out there that need us! I don’t want to sugar coat anything because its not easy but I know it will all be worth it and I would do it all over again!

*Please pray that our homestudy gets done in time.

*Please pray for all of our hearts. There are so many emotions in all of this.

*Please pray for our stinking house to sell. For the love!!!

*Oh I forgot- We love our new apt!!! It is so homey already and Steven and I are having a blast putting it all together. We love it so much! :) I look forward to having people over and cooking for them. I look forward to having a place to where our friends and family can come and stay with us. We are sad that we will only be able to stay for a week and then leave for a month! Its nice to have a home. :)

Alright- I think that is enough updates for now! We will let you know what is coming in the next couple of weeks!!

OK now I am really excited!!

September 12, 2008 at 6:47 pm | In Family, Life, My Husband, Updates, adoption | 23 Comments

These last couple of weeks or so I have been so focused on going to Haiti and what is going on in Haiti that I have kinda put the whole baby thing on hold in my mind until I get back. I guess I didn’t even realized I was doing it!! Our sweet friends Guy and Tracy just had their baby yesterday and to see pictures of her just makes me want to jump off of the chair I am sitting in and do a toe touch!! Oh my gosh I can’t wait to hold that baby and then to hold baby August. We now call August, baby August because the Ivey kids talk about baby August all the time! I have so many pictures for him when he gets here! I am trying to focus on Haiti and be mentally prepared for it and then trying to finish up Baby Wise and be ready to be a parent too. These are 2 huge things in my life right now that take so much preparation. Its so much!!! I went to the doctor the other day and got all my shots, malaria and typhoid pills. Let me tell you that this malaria pill is crazy!! My dreams have been crazy!! This is my first time to take it.

I am also excited because we got an apartment today!!!!!! We are so excited and love it and the area so much. I feel like it took a while to decide on an area to live in and I just know this is it and we love this apt!!  We still have to be approved and we are not moving in until late october. This gives us time to go to Tennessee and decide on something about our freaking house that won’t sell!! I know its all in God’s timing. I am just ready to be out from underneath it so we can move on with our lives. We walked through the new apt again today and were planning out where everything would go. I can’t wait to get our stuff out of storage and get that crib in the baby room!! Sorry there are lots of exclamation points in this blog but I am just super excited about life right now. :)

If you will please pray for Jamie, Chrystal and I on our trip to Haiti. Pray for safety and that we can get to the Rescue Center.

Please pray for Steven’s family who is sitting in the direct line of Hurricane Ike. They are all out but I am just praying that they don’t loose anything due to the storm surge. So crazy. We love them so much and are so excited that we are here to help them in any way that we can!

Please pray for our house to sell and for the upcoming adoption!

We love you guys so much!!

Would you like a little pick me up today??

September 11, 2008 at 5:29 am | In Uncategorized | 8 Comments

If you need to smile today, please watch this video in its entirety.

You might find yourself at the office. You might start with the bobbing of the head. It might lead to the rotating of shoulders. You might find yourself rising to your feet to celebrate. You then might find yourself kicking chairs and computer desk’s out of the way in order to clear a dance floor for yourself. I don’t know how this video finds you today but I pray that it would be a blessing to your soul because after all we all need a renewed mind!!

My favorite boys

September 6, 2008 at 4:26 am | In Uncategorized | 1 Comment

I am in love

September 5, 2008 at 11:02 pm | In Church, love | 6 Comments

I love this city.

I love public transportation. I love not driving my car.

I cannot see myself living anywhere else for a long time. (Sorry mom :( )

I love downtown Austin. I love how funky it is. I feel at home. I would like to branch out a little more to the funkiness that is deep inside me that has been dying to come out.

I haven’t washed my hair in 3 days. It looks awesome.

My wardrobe will now be t-shirts and skirts/jeans. It is most comfortable.

I love cafe late’s with a shot of vanilla from Dominican Joe’s.

I love getting off of the bus and walking to where I am going.

I love that almost everytime someone hears my name they look at me in shock of what a cool name it is. I tend to agree! :)

I love my church.

I want to stop taking showers- (just kidding haha)

I love hummus.

I love that Austin has 15 Boys and Girls Clubs. I am dying to go back.

I love hippies.

I love Austin.

Random

September 5, 2008 at 3:26 am | In Life, Updates | 1 Comment

*Today I rode the bus all the way (BY MYSELF) downtown and hung out at the coolest coffee shop I have ever been to. Its called Dominican Joes. They do so much work in the Dominican Republic and I must say I had the prettiest and best vanilla late I have ever had!!

*I love riding the bus. I really think that if you want to have a heart for the city then you can really cultivate that heart by riding the bus. I saw a mom with 5 kids and a stroller get on today like she does it everyday. I shared the same bus with a homeless man and his guitar, a man with a seeing eye dog and a man in a wheel chair. I shared a bus with many different ethnicities and heard many different languages. I also smelled many levels of body odor that I had never smelled before! It is all part of it. I just feels good to be with all of us ya know? We spend so much time being segregated and its just great to all be together.

*Speaking of the mom with 5 kids. She got onto the bus and her kids kinda scattered to find seats. She had a son with her who looked to be about 9 or 10. He was beautiful. He was bi-racial and had the biggest brown eyes and eyelashes I have ever seen. He walked by and sat down behind me. I looked back and almost lost it. He just had no expression on his face but his eyes said everything. They are the kind of eyes that look straight through you. The kind of eyes that when you look at him they are all you see. I so many times wonder what my sweet August will look like. This little boy made my heart melt today.

* Call me crazy but I really think I am going to try glass bottles. I am reading up on them and I just really think I like them. I copied this part of an article from this link (http://www.environmentcalifornia.org/reports/environmental-health/environmental-health-reports/toxic-baby-bottles) and it pretty much was the icing on the cake for me.

Bisphenol A is a Developmental, Neural, and Reproductive Toxicant

  • Scientists have linked very low doses of bisphenol A exposure to cancers, impaired immune function, early onset of puberty, obesity, diabetes, and hyperactivity, among other problems.
  • For example, in one recent study, a single, low dose of bisphenol A administered to a newborn rat resulted in hyperactive behavior

Now I know that I was probably fed with these same bottles and yada yada yada but hey I think I am going to continue on my path to hippiness and try out the old glass bottles. I guess I better put them on my registry!!

*Did I mention that I had the best vanilla latte I have ever had today? I am sitting here thinking about how and when I could get another one of them. Craving it!!!!!

*I really love my husband. I mean really. He has been so strong during this whole process and talks sense into my emotional ramblings. I just cannot fathom why God put him and I together sometimes. I can’t wait to see him be a dad. I can just see how soft his heart is towards kids right now.

*Speaking of Steven I gave him my 5 year plan today!! I told him where I would like to see our family be in the next 5 years. I would like to have August for a while and then start the adoption process for a South American country for a sweet little girl. Mean while while we are waiting for her to come home I would like to try and get pregnant. I don’t think he really enjoyed my 5 year plan. He started sweating and shaking his head. hahhaha I love him and I am only half joking!

*I am starting the “Tamar” book from the Francine Rivers series of the women of faith. I am just a little bit into it but am really excited. Oh and by the way I checked it out from local library! I love it!

*I love being around the Ivey kids. I think it is really good for me in this stage of life. Its just great to be around kids 24/7. I love them more than they could ever know!

*I LOVE AUSTIN!!!!! I wish we could afford to live downtown. Maybe one day!

ok thats it. I just wanted to ramble!

Honesty

September 4, 2008 at 5:33 am | In Thoughts on God, adoption | 6 Comments

I have had a hard time with what blog needs to come after our wonderful announcement. I have been trying to think of something to say along the lines of how we are doing and what is going on right now. I don’t like to leave anyone hanging! The more I tried to think of what to say the more I came to grips with the fact that I really didn’t want to share what is going on inside of me and my heart right now. My heart is very messy right now. But for the simple facts that there are many people who are following this blog and if we can be an example to others FOR adoption then I guess being honest can be worth it!?

First of all this is a domestic adoption and the baby will be born on October 2nd (if anyone feels lost here!)

I would think you would all be able to guess how excited we are?? That should be a given.

I don’t really even know how to start all of this but I just wanted to share this part of the journey. Its kind of scattered.

I am very guarded right now. I want you to know before hand that I am already in love with the child that God has for us and will not have a problem becoming attached quickly. There is a small part of me that is scared of getting hurt. I think that could be a given also. This is not a done deal. Its hard for me to let my heart emotionally attach to this specific child. Not because I couldn’t but because I am trying not to.

More than anything the reason that I am guarded is because of the sweet mom of this child. At this point she is very firm in her decision. She has made it very clear what she wants to happen and how much she wants us to parent this child. I have SOOOOOOO much respect for her. She has chosen life.

My heart and my spirit cannot get to a place of 100% embracing the fact that this child is our child yet. I struggle with what she would want of me right now. Would she be disappointed if she knew that I am trying to wait to spill out my love? Does she want me to embrace this child whole heartedly right now as my child? I feel like I am trying to honor her by holding back for right now. I am doing it because I care for her.

I just cannot go there until papers are signed and everything is cleared. I don’t want to go there yet. I want her to have her own time to make this decision and follow through with what she believes in. I want this to be her time. I want her to feel the freedom to change her mind if she wants to. I want to meet her and love on her as her. I want to minister to her. I want to help her. I NEVER want to look at her as just the carrier of our baby. That statement makes my skin crawl. If she follows through with everything- we will have our time. I just want this to be hers. If this is what she really wants I will 1,000% step in and love this child as if he came out of my body. I am ready for that. I have been ready. I am just waiting to see how all of this plays out.

We haven’t met her yet. We will the week of her delivery. I am greatly looking forward to that day.

For however long we have him, whether it be a lifetime or for 2 days- the moment I see him I know I will love him. I will take care of him, I will kiss all over his sweet face. I will hold him, I will love him.  I can’t consider him Steven and Maris Bush’s baby until everything is all over but I will love him.

I am speaking for myself here (Maris). I am not saying that Steven feels this way also. I just wanted to let you in on some of my thoughts as we approach October 2nd.

We are getting ready. We are excited. This is a journey that we are just daily walking through and figuring it out as we walk. I am so so thankful for all of your sweet comments. Thank you for your support. Thank you for your prayers for us and our sweet mom. We will keep you updated!

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