Shared moments defining my journey

You know when you have a lot going on and you keep trying to tuck it away and not think about it but you know the more you tuck it away it keeps getting bigger and bigger? I have been feeling this way for the last couple of weeks. Our stress level seems to keep rising. I feel like God is standing in front of me and handing me one tennis ball at a time, trying to see how many I can hold. It was fine a month ago but he keeps handing them to me to hold and they are piling higher and higher and I am waiting for them to fall and spill out all over the floor.

*This adoption process is more emotionally draining than what I thought. We are trying to push through and get it done before Steven leaves for the summer but it has been so hard to get it pushed through. I feel like I am constantly looking at the calendar and the days are drawing in closer and closer. I look at how many days we have left before her leaves.

*We still have a lot of money to pay towards this adoption. Enough said.

*Steven and I both need dental work done. His is Monday- I need to go in next week and find out why my tooth is hurting. Not normal.

*There is another thing in our lives that I am stressed about but more to come on that later.

*My sweet friends are heading to Haiti in 5 days. This has lots of things that bring emotions with it. A) I am not going. Boo. I wish I was going. B) The Iveys are going to see their kids again, Aaron for the first time. I wish I was going to be there to experience that with them. I hate that we won’t be there. C) My Ginger is going to Haiti for the first time. I am so excited that she is going. I wish I was there to experience it with her. All in all SOOOOOOOO excited for them all. They will have a great trip that will again change their lives for the first time or again in some way. Did you get that I am sad that I am not going?

*I am wondering how long it will be before I hold a sweet baby that could potentially be mine. I count days and estimate when I think it could be. I dream about his/her eyes, cheeks, fingers and toes. I think about how much they will weigh and get excited about feeding, watching them sleep, hearing them scream at the top of their lungs and changing crazy diapers. I want to spend most of my time taking care of something else. I keep reading “Baby Wise” and getting so excited and figuring out what I should expect. I am counting days and hours and hoping it is coming soon. Oh God please don’t make us wait for a long time! That is the cry of my heart right now but I know that there are so many others out there that have been waiting a lot longer than we have. I am trying to figure out how to wear this suit of waiting. I can’t get it to fit the way it is supposed to.

*Steven leaves in 37 days. Enough said.

This in NO WAY is a blog about me complaining about my life. I honestly have never felt more free than I do now. I LOVE where we are. We have no idea what the heck we are doing, where we are going and what we will be experiencing! I am trying with everything to trust God with all these tennis balls that he is stacking in my arms. I am learning so much. There are just a lot of emotions right now. I am trying to enjoy today. It remind me of that song we learned at church when we were little.

“This is the day. This is the day. That the Lord has made. That the Lord has made.  I will rejoice. I will rejoice, and be glad in it. And be glad in it. This is the day that the Lord has made. I will rejoice and be glad in it. This is the day. This is the day that the Lord has made!”

How stinkin true is that song? How hard is it to live it? Thank you Lord for cheesy church songs that I learned when I was little that come back to my head as an adult! I have secretly been singing this song in my head for the last week. I will keep singing for fear that if I stop singing I will break down and all of these emotions spill out on an innocent bystander!!